July 16, 2014

I leave today. And in this leaving I have discovered a wealth of gratitude. Gratitude is “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.” And I am thankful for so many things. In leaving, I see a reflection of what I have been given in my five years in Topanga.  As I take a breath, reflect back upon the wealth of beauty here, I see and honor:

1. our chosen topanga family

Standing on the deck, overlooking the green and brown mountain, I scan the faces smiling, engaged in deep conversation. I watch as a ping pong ball from a missed swing flies over the side of the hill. I hear laughter as someone scales the dirt to retrieve it. I listen to the chorus of voices, watch as one throws her head back in laughter. I see the baby smile, the dog sniff for food. I hear him compliment his latest album, her newest trailer, his latest blog post. We all cheer when they arrive, better late than never. I smile deeply inside. Our friends—an eclectic group of artists, musicians, outdoor enthusiasts, writers, professors, humanitarians—are beautiful. They are generous of spirit, open, fun, present and kind. After five years of living in Topanga, I realize we have cultivated what I was looking for, desiring, missing–a community. And the Topanga family has truly developed a community, a tribe of life lovers. We are fiercely independent and yet, we support each other. We laugh and cry together. We travel on grand adventures in far away lands and in our own backyards. I am eternally grateful for these sweet spirited souls.

2. the homestead

I live on a homestead, one of the oldest ranches in Topanga Canyon. The dark wooden buildings, rusted metal sculptures, found objects and native plants are romantic reminders of years past. I waken each morning to the horses neighing, my cat Gracie purring and my dog Miles calmly waiting for the next walk around the block. I hear Antonia, Michael, and Lily, their eight-year old daughter starting their daily tasks. They feed the horses and call after their loving, rogue, and bumbling dog Ziggy. They have welcomed their home to me, and they are my family. At 9am the children arrive for their morning play group. They sing their morning song in giggles and high pitches and my heart laughs with them. There is such peace on the homestead. A cool and soft love lingers here and it is contagious. I sink in bed each night grateful for the love here.

3. of nature 

To live in Topanga is to be of nature. In the mountains of Topanga a dream of peace in Los Angeles is embedded in its rock and soil. The canyon is a thick space of green and hearty yellow. Where roots find nutrition in the memory of music, of escape, of a sentient nature. People come to transcend the nastiness of the city. The soot and grime of city smog folds away in chunks, carried by the ocean mist that covers the mountain range at dusk and again at dawn. As if nature were hauling the muck on its back, cleansing the lungs, the skin, the bones.

4. belonging

Belonging is a sense of shelter with others. We strive, day in and day out, to find that sense of belonging, to feel love, to feel a part of something other than our own thoughts and processes. To belong is to know the movements of a space, to listen and feel at one with a community. These steps should be taken as a pilgrimage with slow breath and presence.

I have found this belonging here, rooted myself in the soil.  I have allowed my being to thrive in this belonging. And I am filled with nostalgia, presence and desire.

5. in leaving

In leaving, I see what we have cultivated, what has been offered, and what I have returned here. To have gratitude is to both appreciate and to return this kindness. I am grateful for this leaving for it has offered up a moment, deep stillness in the chaos in which I can see you all so very clearly. And you, us, we are beautiful.