Three years ago, I fell in love fast and furiously with a handsome, kind, lovely, happy-go-lucky man in my small mountain town. We fell hard. It was beautifully chaotic. One year later, he was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. We went through the cancer treatments, illness, pain and suffering together. I don’t know if any of you have experienced caregiving for someone with cancer, but if you have, you know what it feels like. I watched him balance on the edge, the threshold between life and death. I prayed, shrouded in doubt and anxiety. I was given instructions on how to watch for signs of infection, of malnutrition, of fever. I was told to keep him eating, to keep him on the treatment plan, to keep him happy. At one point, his body was so thin and frail that one quick gust of wind would have pushed him over into the other side. And we held on, for his dear life.

Thankfully, he was deemed cancer free about a year ago. This is when I left. Some of you might think I am a terrible person for leaving someone just recovering from cancer treatments. I don’t blame you for reacting that way. Cancer is difficult. Illness is hard. Love is tested beyond the limits. And after two years, I felt like I was suffocating. I needed to get out. I didn’t leave because of the cancer. The cancer actually drew us closer. I left because of our foreseeable future. I left because I want children one day. And he already has them. I left because we just aren’t right for one another.  And in leaving, I discovered that growing pains are the actual emotional, spiritual, and physical pains we experience when we grow. And fuck, it was awful.

Our messy separation was equipped with mutually thrown daggers and painful attempts at disarming the other. This is NOT what love should feel like, even in its parting. To be fair, I never expected it to end up this way. Before and during the cancer, we loved deeply and unabashedly. We loved fully and we laughed a lot. But after I left, that love transmuted into agony and loss. I made bad choices. I became someone I didn’t respect. I also became fearful. He was angry.

We live in a tiny mountain town. I learned that concerned and curious people weave gossip. Friends went separate ways. Everything shifted. And I found it hard to breathe.